One + One = Too Hard

Before I had kids, I always figured that I would breastfed and that I wanted to do it with each baby for more than a few months, but the I never gave any thought to how that would work if a baby came quickly after his or her older sibling. Although I have spent tonnes of time with other breast feeding moms, I really haven't come across other moms who have two nurslings of different ages and I definitely haven't seen any moms out in public nursing an infant and a older child. So the whole idea really didn't even register a blip on my radar. Not until I became pregnant with Annika a year ago.

Kiersten had just turned one and I started to find that it hurt to feed her. I have been really blessed to have had pretty much no breastfeeding problems, I think I almost had mastitis with Jacob once, so this was really strange. I thought it might be because she was teething so I tried different positions to see if that worked. Nope. I didn't think it was thrush, her mouth looked okay and I didn't have any other symptoms. Then it dawned on me, I was late. The next time I was in the grocery store I bought a Home Pregnancy Test. Of course, there was the problem, two blue lines. Now I knew what was causing the pain, but it wasn't something I could fix. So now what?!?

Off to do some research on two of my favorite breast feeding websites, kellymom.com and llli.org. They are my go to places for most breast feeding questions and I have always found that my question are well answered. But this time I wasn't completely satisfied with what I found. They gave some suggestions, but basically it came down the fact that I might just have to deal with the pain.

In my research I also found out that getting pregnant often ends breast feeding for a number of reasons. Some are initiated by the mom and some are by the nursling. Obviously the pain issue can make mothers who don't have nipples of steel to think twice about letting that little mouth anywhere near them. Some pregnant moms feel agitated when nursing. At the beginning of your pregnancy the hormones change the flavour of your milk and some babies don't like the change. Pretty much all moms find that their milk dries up somewhere in the middle of their pregnancy and some babies take that as a sign to stop. Some babies who have made it to the third trimester find that the colostrum mom is now making is gross and give up now.

The pain was causing me to no longer look forward to feeding Kiersten and even try to delay feeding her. Though she was 12 months and eating a wide range of solids and was using a sippy cup and could handle less breast milk, breast feeding was so much more to us than just nutrition. It was also my way to comfort her as she never had had a soother and didn't have a special stuffy or blanket, and it was the easiest/fastest way to get her to go to sleep. As I entered the second trimester the pain lessened, but I still wasn't comfortable, I found I was felt irritated when Kiersten nursed. I found myself just wishing that she would decide to wean, so we could stop.

This agitation continued until the end on my pregnancy and made me feel really bad about our breast feeding relationship. On one hand I wanted to just quit, but on the other I felt strongely that Kiertsen should decide when she wanted to wean and that under normal circumstances most children don't naturally wean themselves before age two. On top of the conflicting feelings I also had to deal with the grief I felt when I noticed that my milk had dried up. Early in my pregnancy I had "decided" that my body would somehow go against nature and continue to do what I have always been able to do, which is make an ample amount of milk.

By the end of my pregnancy Kiersten was not nursing every day, but continued to ask. By this point I figured she was so persistent in continuing the breast feeding relationship, that she could go a day or so without it. And I knew that her persistence would be rewarded after Annika was born when there would be plenty milk for both. I figured things end up they way they would have been had I not been pregnant for most of her second year.

I had read a book about tandem nursing, one of the only ones out there, and although it left me with questions it had provided some ideas and positions. I felt like I would be able to manage the needs of two children. I figured I would give myself a couple days to get things going with Annika and would proceed to add Kiersten and voila breast feeding bliss. Alas, four months into tandem nursing and I still am struggling. I have only been able to feed both at the same time on a handful of occasions. Kiersten gets mama milk but less often than I figured she would at this point and  is mostly content with what she gets.

This whole situation has been a real learning experience for me. And also a bit humbling. Maybe I'm not quite the breast feeding guru I thought I was. It's made me think different about moms who say they don't enjoy breast feeding. I also feel for moms who's milk dries up. And to moms who are breast feeding twins, you are my hero.